My Confession

I have straggled with depression for a very long time. i have been on meds to help with it for 10 years. this past march, i was reading a book about giving everything up to Jesus and i asked God, what i wasn't giving up to him. and i heard him say my depression and my meds. i was so scared to go off them. i prayed about it with my husband and my sister in law. (God told me not to tell any one till the right time, only the people he told me i could.) and they got that i should do what God was telling me to do. so in march i stopped taking my meds, and for any one who was around me, if you remember me being really sick with really bad head Ac's, thats why.
It was really hard to come off them. my body would get really bad shocks. it really felt like i was getting shocked. It's been 5 months since i have been off my meds. and my depression has come back full force. and i have been begging God to take it away. i would say, you wanted me off them so i could be healed from them. and i could live a fuller life for you.
Every day, i have been battling suicidle thoughts and self hatred. Last year i was so happy and i loved my self and i thought i was beautiful and i was fun to be around and 2 months ago i wanted to loss weight, which was a really stupid idea, because i wasn't liking my self and i haven't lost any weight in that 2 months of working out and now i think i have failed that and now i feel like i am soo ugly and i keep thinking my husband wants me to look better, even though he never said that. and this past week i have been so depressed, and ever time i eat anything, i thought i should go throw it up because of how fat and ugly i was becoming. Today, everything was going wrong. i hated everything, i wanted to run away or hurt myself. and about 2 hours ago, i told jason that i needed to go back on my meds. the kids can see and feel that something was very wrong. and he was very support of me doing that, because he could see me going down. and an hour ago, i turned on my music,(ihop) and lay ed on the floor and the words of the song said "Lord have mercy, because your my only means, to have you here with me." and i started crying, and still am, and i was begging him not to be mad or sad that i can't do this, and i was telling him i was so sorry that i couldn't do this. and i was begging for mercy, and i felt him so strongly, he come to me and told me that he knew this was going to happen, that he's not mad or sad because this was meant to happen. and i asked him why was i given a task meant to fall, and he told me it was because of love. it was about falling in his arms, it was about him being able to show the kinda mercy he has, that his mercy is the only thing getting us to his kingdom. and another part of the same song was "as for me i will enter your house, by the mercy you are giving me now."
God's love and mercy was just over flowing in me and for me. his love is so storng and powerful.
I love my Jesus so much, he is so good. he knows everything i have been feeling. and he love me more then words could ever say. when i first went off my meds i thought God was telling me not to tell any one because i thought he was going to heal my depression and it could be a great story of his healing power and now i see that it was so that i could tell everyone of his unending mercy. that his mercy over flows when we fail. There are no words to say how loved i feel right now. Thank you Jesus for your kindness. even though we fail, you never fail and that's the point for trusting you !!