Saying GoodBye

On Sept 8th was the Ecumenical Memorial and Committal of Ashes Service for the baby we Miscarried. I was a beautiful day for it, and it was in the same cemetery that my Grandparents are bared at, so i got to go visit them too. It was hard to be there. They had the ashes of all the babys miscarried/stillborns in the past 6 months put in to the crypt. that was the hardest part for me, them pouring the ashes into it. there was a lot of people there, it was hard to be alone, plus my kids were there so. I am happy that my family came, thanks to mom, brentt and mom and dad (unrau) for coming. and thank you so much for my loving husband, who saw how sad i was and went and bought me a new Ted Dekker book. thanks sweety.
and a big thanks to St.Boniface Hospital for taking care of my little baby with such care and doing a beautiful service for him.

Rest in the arms of our sweet Lord Jesus Christ, My Baby Crimson.
Mommy loves you and thinks of you everyday.

Ted Dekker

On my 101 in 1001 list, one of them is to read all of Ted Dekker's books. i have about 10 more to go. 4 of them short stories. i just finished boneman's daughters. very good. my next book on my list is House. then iam hoping Tea with Hezbollah. The book is not a novel like all his others. its about a trip he and a friend made to the middle east. Below the title it reads, sitting at the enemies table. my mother in law is reading it right now so when i get it back from her, i know my nose will be in that book all night. being in bed for the past week i read boneman's daughters in 4 days. I plan on owning all of Ted Dekker's book and reading them all. i love all his books. i haven't read one i haven't liked. Adam was the hardest to read because of how my past was but i still read it in 2 days. His new book Immanuel's veins looks soooo good. it comes out sept 7 and i will be the first in line for it. i know jason might say other wise but i know i will get my way. :)
the ones i still have to read are:
- Blink of an eye
-The bride collector
-A man called blessed
-Immanuels veins
-Obessed
-House (reading now)
-Tea with hezbolliah
and there are four short stories.
I'm super pumped about reading them all. My favorte our, Black, Red, White, and Green !!!
You can find all stuff Ted Dekker at his website. www.teddekker.com

Lost

My Beautiful, sweet baby growing in my belly is gone.
On sunday morning i started bleeding and i went to the hospital and they couldn't
find a heart beat, and at 12 weeks you should be able to find one.
on monday morning i went to my doctor who is taking care of my pregnantcy and he
also couldn't find a heart beat and this morning i had an ultrasound and it showed that the
baby was not alive. My heart is breaking but God has not let go of my hand.
Jason has been by my side and my mom too. and my sister in law is helping a lot to because
she also had a miscarrage 3 years ago. i am so greatful for the loving family i have all around me.
and i am also so greatful that i can always feel Jesus' love on me. as hard as this is, i am at peace with it. I know my sweet baby is in the arms of my Lord and i will see that baby when i get to heaven. it remains me of that song...oh i dont know who sings it but it gose..."lost befor i had you, gone befor you came, but i love you just the same. and i know in heaven will meet again." its a beautiful song about just what iam feeling.
thank you Jesus for the wonderful 3 months i had this wonderful child growing in me.
I love you Jesus and i trust your plan for me is good and full of love.

101 in 1001 update

so looking over my list i can see i few things that are done.

46: having another baby. i am pregnant, so its in the works lol
63: giving jason a head and back rub once a week, which i do almost everyday.
77:getting a new cell phone. jason got a new one so i got his palm. its ok.
98: going camping with the kids, well we booked it and went and it went so very bad that we ended up leaving didn't go good at all.

so those are done.
i know i saw a few things on the list that are almost done. so i will update again in a couple of weeks.
till then.

12 weeks

I am now 12 weeks along. my sickness is pretty much gone. thank the Lord.
and i have already started with tuns of pain in my pelvis. everything is moving out of the way
for the baby to grow. i cant wait to feel he or she move around. next week i get to go hear the heart beat. we will for sure find out the sex so we can get everything ready. me and my mother in law both think iam having a girl. i thought of a pretty name, Crimson. i haven't ran it by jason yet so its just a maybe. march feels so far away. i can feel i already have a belly, you cant see it but i can feel it, i cant lay on my belly, i feel like iam laying on a ball. every day sibylla asks me if she can see the baby now, lol she is super pumped. i am too. i am so happy iam having a baby.

so ya that is whats going on lately. i will leave you with a little pic of the cuties.

My Lover

I just wanted to say, that even though i am sick and can hardly stand, that i love my

Jesus. He is my strong hand, he is the only thing that i look to for help.

I love you so much my Jesus, you are always with me and my heart will always be yours !!!

i never want anyone but you. i love you so much, i can't wait for the

day when i can see you and you will look in to my eyes and hold me and speak your

love to me. I am so in love with you that when i think of you, my heart takes a lep and i am

breathless with your love that i feel every min of my life. I will never leave you. i am so madly in love with you. Jesus, i love you !!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS !!

Sickness

So i am becoming sick. i am having a hard time eating, i feel like throwing up all the time.
i started my morning sickness pills as soon as i found out i was pregnant, but they don't seem
to be working. i really hope i dont end up back in the hospital. i dont want to be away from the kids so long. when i was pregnant with sibylla, and i had to be in the hospital, lucious was so mad at me for being gone so long. Please keep me in your prayers. thanks.